My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
