i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
