i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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