That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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