apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
