I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
