it was like his penis was on wheels.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
