I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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