I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
