all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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