once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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