Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im about as happy as oj after his trial
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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