His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
