Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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