You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
