I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
