I need help removing her.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
