When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
