Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize