Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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