I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize