Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
