i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize