guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
