My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just found a bag of teeth...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
