time to smoke my breakfast
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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