I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
