So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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