i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
