I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
