theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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