it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
