cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
