Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
