There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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