I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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