did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
