I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
