I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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