Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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