i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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