1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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