The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
