oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize