my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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