Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize