I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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