I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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