just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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