UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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