He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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