his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
