Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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