so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
