if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
we're so committed to being not committed
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