i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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