I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
