He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
