so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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