Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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