i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
